Carpe Diem

There’s something about writing that is very comforting to me. Writing, especially on this blog, just feels like… home. It just feels right, you know? I know, it’s such an irony to say so since I rarely post anything anymore, but *sigh* I miss this blog. I just missed this so much. Sometimes I feel compelled to write again, but when I write, that is when I truly express anything.

I like to lepak with my friends. It is a rare occasion when I decline when someone asks me to go lepak. When lepak, we talk about many kinds of topics. However, you do know what I mean when I say "You don’t talk about certain stuff with certain people", right? For example, with certain friends, you talk about how your day went, but you don’t talk about history. With this other friend, you discuss about intellectual stuff, but you don’t talk about personal issues. You get what I mean, right? You’re smart.

But with this blog, I feel like I can talk about anything. Anything at all. No boundaries, no lines, no limitations.

Remember how I said I wanted to quit UiTM? Hey, I made it till my final semester! I’m on my last semester break as we speak. In March, I have to start my first ever official working experience. Isn’t that great?! Where, I don’t know yet. I just went for an interview earlier today at a renowned international PR firm. The interview went well, so I’m just hoping for the best now. Fingers crossed!

Truth be told, the thought of doing my internship at a PR firm scares the shit out of me. A few months back, I didn’t have the balls and the courage to even apply at a PR firm. Heck, I don’t even look like a PR practitioner. Till a few weeks ago, my first choice of organization rejected my internship application. I wouldn’t say I was devastated-- because the professionalism of the institute was poor, but it was sort of like a dream to be able to serve the institute nonetheless.

However, a friend of mine was quite relieved that I didn’t get in. Of course, I was quite upset. But he said that “Rina, you could do way better than serving the company!” In other words, he convinced me that I’m better off without the organization. The sky is my limit. I can achieve and do whatever I want to do.

I always felt like my life is stationary for the past few months. Everything is static. Nothing new. Everything is just so dull. I felt numb. The fun and outgoing life that I once had is gone. Emma is now thousands of miles away from me, for instance. My relationships with my friends have gone distant.

Emma has always been such a good friend. She pampers me with her time and brutal honesty all the time. Come to think of it, she is the reason why I do not feel lonely most of the time. Whenever I need advices, she would slap me in the face with brutal honesty and rationalism. Figuratively. Whenever I have the thoughts and tendency to do something unwise, she would just say “oh yeah, and since when are you like that?” and just knock some sense into my thick skull.

Ahh geez, now I’m tearing up.

Late nights like this made realise that regardless of the absence of the people that I truly care about, I am still blessed with the people within my vicinity. And I have failed to cherish them the past few months. Damn it, how could I be so stupid. I have met quite a number of wonderful people within the past few months. The more I get to know them, the more I realise that hey, they may not be Emma but they’re not that bad after all!

There’s this friend that I have gotten closer to. I never knew that I could get that close to him. Lepak friend, can. Friend friend, I had no idea. If you know me personally, you would know how reserved and secretive I am. I hardly disclose any information to people that I’m that close to. You could be my roommate for a year, and I still won’t tell you half of the things about me. But due to the wise man that he is and how comfortable I am with him, one midnight stroll on the highway managed to let me open up to him and tell him the things that not many know about me. He said something that truly touches my heart: that he believes in me and is convinced that I possess the ability to do more in life; and I have the potential in me. How far is the truth in that; I don’t know. But after mingling with many people, there’s only very few that when they say something like this, you know that they goddamn mean it. And for him believing in me, that’s just something that I will forever be grateful for.

There’s this lecturer of mine whom I really look up to. He may be really young and not even 30 yet, but most definitely the smartest person I personally know in my whole life. Dude, who the fuck memorizes the world map and knows all of the world leaders? He does. Who the fuck reads intellectual articles when taking a dump? He does. And who the fuck gets to be the best student for a 40-credit hour master’s thesis? My mind-blowing lecturer. One can only imagine how his brain works. And when a brainiac like that calls you smart in all honesty and tells you to further your studies; you better just shut up, go cry in silence and just do as he says. (Honestly tho, I still think he doesn’t realise how stupid and bangang I can be.)

If only I had managed to adapt even faster, seize the moment and stop comparing people from one another, I could have led a happier life. I would have made many more friends. I would have gotten out a lot more. I could have mixed around with a whole different crowd. If only.